Stuff Moms Say
Motherhood, Tips

Five Things Toddler Moms Know To Be True

Being a toddler parent is like being part of a special club: a club of unwashed, tired people who live on broken goldfish crackers, dinner scraps, and coffee.


5 Things Toddler Moms Know To Be True 

 1. If you want to wipe a toddler’s nose you have to sneak up on them like a ninja assassin. This is why we wear soft-soled shoes. So they can’t hear us creeping up from behind with a tissue in hand. The next step is to put your toddler into what looks to the outside world like a chokehold but we know we’re just keeping their head still we get all of those boogers.
2. Baby wipes are not just for baby butts. Baby wipes can double as a toddler mom shower on days you don’t make it into the actual bathtub. They’re also great for wiping up stubborn vomit or yogurt that exploded in your diaper bag. Baby wipes are to toddler moms what a swiss army knife is to a survivalist.
3. Crying = better sleep. Toddler moms know that the harder a kid cries at the park, the harder that child will sleep later on. The trick is to not let them fall asleep in the car. Headbanger rock or gangster rap pumped at high volumes and keeping the windows down can help with that.
4. Toddlers want what you have. The trick to getting a toddler to eat is letting them think they’re stealing from you. If you act like your bowl of rice is your greatest treasure and that you’ll be devastated should your toddler take a bite, your kid will probably eat the whole thing while maintaining eye contact to make sure you’re suffering.
5. Never celebrate a win. Is your toddler sleeping through the night? Does your toddler finally seem potty trained? If you dare brag on Facebook your child will instantly regress six months. This is a fact of the universe. We don’t make up the rules, we just live by them.



Welcome to the club.
Motherhood, Tips

10 Reasons Why Dinner Time Is Actually The Worst

I feel the dread rise up every day at around 3PM. Dinner time is coming. Before I became a mom I thought my family’s evening meal would look like one of those Hamburger Helper commercials.

You’ve seen them: the mom slowly places a casserole dish in the middle of the table. The children’s eyes grow wide with delight as they hold their forks and knives, poised and ready in each hand. The husband licks his lips and looks up adoringly at his wife for browning meat and mixing it with a $2 box of pasta and a pouch of questionable spices.That’s how dinner was going to be. Everyone would come to the table hungry. Everyone would appreciate my meals. Everyone would eat while talking and laughing about their day.

Yeah right.

10 Reasons Why Dinner Time Is Actually The Worst

1. You have to make it. This sounds easy to enough but considering that 5PM is when children are all on the brink of hunger-fueled insanity and exhausted, this is next to impossible. Small children and babies want to be held while you throw lasagna into a 400 degree oven. Older kids beg for snacks and swipe ingredients when you’re not looking. There will always be someone crying at your feet or tripping you with their body while lying like a starfish in the middle of the kitchen.

2. My husband comes back from work tired and needing a moment to himself before jumping into home life. I get it, I truly do, but that “moment” needs to hurry up and be over because I can’t wrangle children and cook at the same time.

3. I never know what to make. How many times can I make spaghetti or cook chicken breasts? I want to try new recipes but straying from the same old meals increases the risk of rejection so no.

4. By the time dinner is actually done my children’s hunger has morphed into anger that they’re being required to eat. They no longer know how to put food into their mouths unless I keep barking orders throughout the meal.

5. Then comes the nitpicking. “This is too hot.” “I don’t like these spices.” “What is this?” What is this? It’s called rice. Remember, those small white grains that you loved last week? Oh and those “spices” are butter and salt. Your food is too hot? Have you considered blowing or waiting? No? Too hard?

6. I can’t sit down and just eat. I have to jump up every 5-6 seconds getting something for someone. A different fork. A smaller spoon for said rice. More water. Who spilled their milk? Another napkin. I’m not sure why I even make a plate for myself. It’d be smarter to just eat over the garbage disposal, shoveling food into my face, when the meal is done.

7. Dinner takes forever. I always find myself sitting alone with the child who is eating the slowest and probably hoping I’ll just say, “Ok, screw it” and throw their food in the trash. I’m not a mom anymore, I’m a probation officer and my job is to supervise you until you stop stalling and take those last five bites.

8. “What’s for dessert?” “How many bites?” “I dropped’ my food!” By dropped do you mean conveniently let your broccoli fall to the floor? No worries, I have more. Dessert? Dessert is the fruit in your lunchbox that you didn’t eat. As for how many bites, I’ll let you know when you’re done.

9. Poop. Why does someone always have to poop during dinner? And why does that someone always need me to help them?

10. The dreaded “I’m hungry” that a child has the nerve to say 5 minutes before bedtime. You can ignore it and send them to bed knowing that they’ll probably wake up at 4:00 begging for sustenance or give in and hand them a string cheese. Neither one will make you feel good about yourself.

Cooking for a family with young kids is a pretty thankless job. I do it because they need to eat and I want them to be somewhat healthy. That said, I’m losing my mind. If you need me, I’ll be drinking wine in the kitchen.

Motherhood, Tips

A Toddler’s Food Diary  

A Toddler’s Food Diary


– Milk

– Three small bites of the oatmeal I gestured to and made monkey sounds at until my mom made it. The rest of it is currently in the sink.

– Six Tic Tacs that mommy gave me so that I’d be quiet during an episode of Orphan Black.

-Three Cheerios found between the couch cushions.

– Half of a string cheese.


– The scent of one banana.

-1/8th a square of toilet paper.

– What may have been a raisin.

– The liquid from a baby wipe (sucked it out while she was in the bathroom).

– 3-4 pieces of hardened debris from last night’s dinner. Found it in my highchair.


– 12-15 grains of rice

– Tablespoon of shredded chicken

– 1/3 of a carrot stick

– Half of a bread crust found in the trash

– Milk

– My own tears/snot



– Four crackers (I crushed the fifth one and sprinkled it into her bra)

– A bunch of halved grapes

– More couch snacks. I think it was an apple chip.

– The dust between buttons on the remote

– One pump of lotion


– Nothing

Before Bed

– 6 gallons of my own bath water


Motherhood, Tips

The Two Step Trick To Getting An Amazing Post-Baby Body  

So you just had a baby. Congrats! Now before you get too comfortable, you should know that celebrities generally take between 10-15 seconds to lose all of their baby weight so you’re already behind schedule.

Remember, the goal is to remove all traces that you were ever pregnant from your body as quickly as you can. Nevermind that you just made a human. That’s nice and all, but the real miracle here is how fast you’re going to shed that weight.Yes, yes, we know your body might be in some pain right now and you may be healing from surgery or a tough labor but you’re not going to let a few genital stitches get in the way of being a MILF, are you?

Yes, your organs are trying to resettle themselves back in their original positions after being pushed around by your baby’s growing body, but that doesn’t mean you can’t hit the gym in between feedings.

Yes, your hormones are all over the place and you may be feeling overwhelmed but you know what will turn that frown upside down? Being a size 0-6.

You’re not eating for two, anymore. Oh you’re breastfeeding? Good. That burns calories. Eat just enough to make milk for the baby and not a cracker more.

You know what’s even more sad than women who neglect and abuse their kids? Women who have muffin tops. Your baby will be so proud of you once you can wear confidently wear a bikini. Taking great care of a newborn is noble and all but what about crop tops? Imagine the selfies.

Now, put your baby on the floor for a second and sit down because I’m about to tell you the two step trick to getting an amazing post baby body. Billions of women around the world use it. It’s 100% free, 100% painless, and is 100% easy. It works every single time for every woman who has ever tried it.

The results are incredible.

Are you ready?

Ok here it is.

The two step trick to getting an amazing post-baby body is to first, have a baby. Then go look in a mirror. Do you have a body? Good.

You now have an amazing post-baby body.

Because what you did was amazing.

You had a baby.


Now go be together.


Dear Mom of the Tantruming Toddler in Target

Dear Mom of the Tantruming Toddler in Target,

I know youre embarrassed. I can see your eyes darting left and right as you try to scoop your screaming, hysterical child off of the grocery store floor. Your face is red. Im pretty sure those are tears in your eyes. Youre wearing black stretch pants and a sweatshirt, and like me, your hair is a bit of a mess and probably hasn’t been washed in a few days. I know you saw me watching you but I want you to know something: Im not judging you.


Im not thinking you should be doing something else or being more or this or less of that. I’m not wondering why you brought a kid into the store because I don’t expect you to hire a babysitter to run errand. I’m not wondering why you can’t “control your child” because I know toddlers aren’t robots, they’re people. Wild people, who lose their crap (sometimes literally) in public.


I’m not wondering why you aren’t a jedi master who can’t magically end your child’s tantrum with a glare or mind control because you’re not and neither am I. I’m not wondering why your toddler doesn’t respect/fear you enough to do whatever you say the minute you say it because you’re a mom, not Putin.


You want to know what I AM thinking about?


Im wondering how much sleep you got last night. Hell, Im wondering how much sleep youve gotten in the last two years. Im wondering if like me, your toddler still gets up at night even though youve tried everything. Im wondering if your toddler woke up at the crack of dawn asking for Netflix and eggs that he probably wont even show interest in until you start eating them to avoid wasting more food than you already do.


Im wondering when was the last time you ate a full meal without having little hands grabbing at your plate or a little body sitting in your lap. Its probably been awhile. Im wondering if like me, the only thing youve had to eat today are the leftover scraps of breakfast your child rejected and half a cup of coffee. Did you put the other half in the microwave and forget about it? I did, too.


I’m wondering if you’re as excited as I am to simply get out out of the house even if it means your kid will ask for every toy they see, kick their shoes off in the car, need to pee 200 times, or end up wailing in the shopping cart.


As you pick up your screaming child, I wonder if its nap time and like me, youre just trying to finish up your errands and get home. Youre probably hoping he doesnt fall asleep on the way home but know he will. So instead of an hour of silence, youll have an afternoon of well, drama, more tears, and room temperature coffee while waiting for an acceptable time to move on to a slightly stronger liquid.


I wonder if, like me, youre surprised how hard motherhood is, but wouldnt change anything for the world. I wonder if, like me, you love your child more than words can even start to express and would do it all over again in a second. Minus some of the tantrums.


Im wondering if youre OK. Youve picked up your little one now and are rushing out of the store. Youre leaving behind a full cart of groceries. Ive been there. I hope your day gets better.


xo, Me



How To Laundry While Being A Mom  


Step 1: Locate the multiple baskets of clothes in your living room. Remove random toys and mail from baskets. Go through them, giving each item a smell/visual check. If they’ve been worn, place them back into the basket. If they’re extremely dirty, place them into the washing machine.

Step 2: Add 2x the recommended amount of soap and turn on the machine.

Step 3: Get distracted by life by visiting the endlessly interesting twitter of Jody

Step 4: Two days later, open washer and take note of the pungent mildew smell. Learning from past experiences where you dried clothes like this and your family walked around smelling like damp gremlins for two weeks, opt to wash clothes again.

Step 5: Add more soap and overpriced but useful oxygen powder stuff just to be safe while asking yourself, “What’s oxygen powder? How can oxygen be a powder?” Set the water on its highest temperature.

Step 6: Forget you even have a washing machine.

Step 7: Return three days later. Open your washer and notice that your washing machine has turned into the pond swamp from The Little Mermaid complete with indigenous toads. Wonder why you suck at laundry. Add all of the soap and whatever remains of the oxygen magic cocaine dust. Just dump it all in. Set the machine’s water temperature to “Scald Out This Jungle Bacteria.”

Step 8: Wake up with a start in the middle of the night and transfer the wet clothes into the dryer. If there is anything already in the dryer softly curse while throwing it on the floor (you’re out of baskets).

Step 9: Over the next week, rifle through the clothes in the dryer as needed to find underwear and socks. Remove clothes the clothes and place them on the couch only when you need the dryer for another wash.

Step 9.5: Think about my real estate agents Jody Kriss’ suggestion in building a real laundry room just to escape from it all.

Step 10: Return to Step 1.

Note: If all of this is too overwhelming feel free to just buy new clothes from Target and burn the old ones as needed.